Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Some people admire the Tampa Bay Pirates. But many, many people are not fans of the Tampa Bay Pirates. The 2022 Defector NFL Team Preview is for those in the last group. Read all reviews so far over here.

Your team:

It looks legit.

Your 2021 record: 13-4. Perhaps no team in NFL history has been better prepared to defend their title than this one. They took every player back in the beginning, they were playing in a joke about the department, and they had Tom Brady. But of course, the future is never guaranteed. And no one can ever predict if one of your stars will do that Forging his vaccination card and then striptease his way out of the door in the midst of a near loss of aircraft; or if the Saints are mysteriously swept away, including a 9-0 loss in which Taysom Hill can’t complete half of his passes; or if the leaders are to combine you and you 19 consecutive offensive games; Or if it’s one of you the other, better wide straps will rupture his ACL; Or if Brady inadvertently asks Karma to visit him after he’s done a cipher-deceived One of his fans to get a stupid football from him. Normally, whenever I ask who the damned guess would be in this space, it’s rhetorical. But no, I couldn’t really guess any of that shit would go down. I mean, I knew Antonio Brown was a distasteful; I just can’t foresee how this fact would manifest itself. To this day, I still can’t.

However, the Bucs still shredded the regular season and found themselves as the double seed in NFC, with the perpetually muzzled Packers team ranked above them. It’s all too easy for Tom Brady to indulge in his own brand of ponytail. This was especially true when the Rams came to Tampa for the division round and quickly took a 27-3 lead. You know what the score 2anyinteger-3 means when Tom Brady is involved. The most dangerous bullets in football, etc.

True, the Bucs dwindled to nothing, and I stayed sure I was living again by Brady winning a ring and then being weird about it. Only then this happened…

Keep in mind that Matthew Stafford was fired (and flopped!) at the start of this trip, costing Los Angeles seven precious seconds and their only time left. Presentiment. Obviously the boxers will stop the rams, recover the ball in overtime, and then never return it. Lather repeat rinse. Hit me in the balls.

What I didn’t count on was Cooper’s leaving Tampa Bay one cup for one in the next two plays; The second time against a safety, which not even the bill at the end of an important football match did. Sixty-four yards later, it was all over. Here’s Brady now in the wake of that loss, contemplating his future and how best to turn it into sloppy documentary content:

“No matter what VAT is in my life, I can always watch zem svim.”

Cobb finished that game with 183 yards on nine catches. Stafford passed for 386 yards. Judging by the Boss’ two-minute defense, anyone could go through that much. Who decided to put Lil Antoine Winfield into Stafford’s favorite goal in the deciding game?

for you Fitness Trainer: BRUCE ARRY… *** ENGAGE THE BRADY FUCKERY MODE ***

Photo by Julio Aguilar/Getty Images

I meant Todd Balls! I always meant Todd Bulls! Everyone knew the succession plan was going to kick off this spring, and yes they did. You might remember Todd Bowles from that defensive masterpiece in January, or since he went 24-40 as head coach of the jets. This record looks even more impressive thanks to the Jets’ hiring of Adam Gas to be the Bowles’ successor. But it’s still a little odd that the Bucs had a talented young offensive coordinator in Byron Liftwich on their staff – after other teams were too dumb to catch him – and chose the more conservative, probably not-alive Bowles. As if the choice wasn’t theirs in the first place. Almost as if…

for you quarterback GM: Tom Brady. The seas will shine, the sun will burn, and every last cockroach on the planet will slip to its final resting place. Still, Tom Brady will stay here, smiling like a damn robot at every press conference, then directing his social media team to make a funny tweet. Fox will still count on him color man In the year 5,423,876 ADQ, only to have their hopes dashed when he won the 70 million ring. It is as perpetual as anything that exists, and I have – grudgingly, I assure you – have learned to live with that fact.

Brady retired 40 days into his last off-season, as if he was celebrating Lent when he had already abstained from 98 percent of all pleasurable pursuits throughout the year. Turns out Brady wasn’t interested in quitting football; He was simply orchestrating an internal coup to reassign Bruce Arians to a desk job in accounting. Remember all those stories about Arians and Brady not getting along in the first half of the title season, before they got it all together and sang camp songs together? Turns out Brady gets along with people only as long as they are useful to him. Bridget Moynahan almost certainly said this in a filing somewhere. So the Arians went upstairs. Mind you, we all found out that Brady was flirting with joining the Dolphins and becoming the owner of a minority vanity there. More like a Tampa Bay pumpkin, my prince?! Good idea, Drew.

After the inauguration of Bulls as a dictator, his doll Brady they gave it up At boot camp for a few weeks and the Bucs didn’t give any crap. That’s because Brady plans to join the labor revolution and become the first player in NFL history to spend days playing from home.

Your backups are Blaine Gabbert and Kyle Trask. If either man plays well instead of Brady, they’ll find a bullet in their mailbox the next morning.

What’s new is bad: Eager to please Brady, the Bucs have assembled a new superhero team of old injured men to get their eighth ring. Julio Jones is here! Keanu Neal is here! Akeem Hicks is here! Kyle Rudolph, who was once overrated but is now terrible? this too! And Logan Ryan is here too, now as a safety! Hope you like DJ Moore’s cover alone, old man! These men will be accused of repairing the holes left by the departures of Jason Pierre Paul, Ndamkong Soh, Jordan Whitehead, Ali Marbet, Tristan Wirves, and Gronk. I believe in Gronk’s retirement just as much as I think Brady retired this spring, but the timing of this preview requires that I agree with the stunt for the time being. Although: Without Brady, your pup is nothing. will be back. he is Pretend to study tape as we speak.

In all fairness (why), there are quite a few young newcomers to be on this list. The Bucs drafted backrunner Rachaad White in the third round because, in a twist, current RB1 Leonard Fournette decided to Eat his own contract. They also snatched Russell Gage from the Falcons and, more importantly, traded for Chuck Mason to replace Marpett on the O line. Given that Mason comes here from New England, I can’t rule out the possibility that Bill Belichick planted a time bomb inside Mason’s anus. before shipping them south. You know what Belichick is capable of as much as I do.

The Bucs coined Logan Hall and Luke Goedeke, who I’ll always have to look up his last name before writing, to fortify both sides of the line of scrimmage. This team is now a touch weaker than the past two years, but still a contender in what has become a barren NFC. It’s as if every conference fills the foyer floor with rose petals any time they know Brady is staying.

What always sucked: The only reason I want to win is to stop the Packers from doing the same. But honestly, you don’t need Tom Brady to choke on Aaron Rodgers with his hair. And cheering for the Tampa-area team always comes encapsulated in the knowledge that any title won in this part of the country will result in a COVID-19 Navy Republic orgy. So you understand my hesitation here. I shouldn’t need the Bucs, and in the end I don’t.

Also, Brady looks like Jared Kushner every day. An induction into Antonio Brown’s Hall of Fame should double as a secret police sting. I won’t watch man in the ring Even if Brady gave me a copy of Bob Kraft’s tape by hand to do so.

mouse says: For those of you who prefer Brady-free football, the end is near and the cute/blonde/false broadcast styles await with little sharpening from the NFL analyst training camp. To that end, the Glazers have made a massive vomit out of the cash cow for Manchester United, and they are almost certain to do the same with the football team once Brady decides he wants to be the next seeker student. The slow decline of a momentarily proud series is already underway.

What may not absorb: Oh dude wait for Brady to be in charge absolute man. Suddenly his tweets will become less soothing.

Hear it from BUCS fans!


Just your annual reminder that Warren Sapp is banned from all Best Buys.


A few years ago, my brother was really worried about the buggy fans as the Bucs marched toward the Super Bowl. I had no heart to tell him that, outside of New England, no one was hopping on the bandwagon until Tom Brady could finally get his seventh episode.

Everyone is excited about Julio Jones. By the time you read this you will be infected.


The man is not finished. Not by a long shot. He’s been working on his tail for over 20 years and I honestly believe he’ll come back victorious. They may have a smaller team when he comes back but trust me on this: Patrick Marlowe will retire at some point and play good hockey again.


Growing up in Colorado, my dad hated the Denver Broncos so much that I wasn’t allowed to wear blue and orange together. His “team” was anyone playing on the Broncos. I left it to my own devices to find a team. I opened a deck of soccer cards in the late ’80s, saw that Creamsicle unis, and started shouting out my support for the Bucs. My mother entered my room and started screaming at me. This seals the deal. I’ve been a fan of Bucs ever since.

One of the positive things is that no one gives you a hard time. Usually once they find out you’re a Bucs fan, there’s just a confused pause and then we’re back to talking about football.


I have my hopes up for another Super Bowl win before this team returns to an irrelevant place again for at least a decade. My hopes will likely be dashed.


I am 42 years old and I have a lot of stuff. But if I catch COVID and share the locker room with 100 other people, I’ll probably tell my teammates, who will undoubtedly support me.

On the other hand, if I had to meet with officials from Washington during my long stays in Mar-a-Lago, I probably wouldn’t tell them.


Don’t let the past two years fool you. The Bucs are and always will be the most forgotten franchise in football. Browns are at least lovable losers. The Bucs are just losers.

People (myself included) convince themselves that the Bucs are now a destination team, and that they are a respectable franchise that people want to play for. But the bocce fart stays forever. The second time Brady goes to Dolphins to own 20% of them and plays until he’s 50, the Bucs will return in pathetic mystery.

The Glazers deserve their shit, for sure. But they’re so busy beating up an irreverent global marketing giant in Man U and #stoppingthesteal that they’ve forgotten about the Bucs’ existence. I bet they still think the initiating QB is Mike Glennon. Bruce Arians went upstairs because his Kangol hat didn’t protect him from the Florida sun. The stadium has a pirate ship, and it is admittedly drugged. But you need some oomph to bring people in when your team goes from 5 to 12 every year and your beer evaporates from the heat. I’m surprised that COVID didn’t originate in the locker room shower room.

I have a Josh Freeman cream shirt. All because my dad watched a spring training game in the ’70s on vacation from upstate New York. My history of skin cancer and alcoholism should go down two and three on my list of the worst things I would be ingrained in.

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